Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Hater's Number: Odds Are, You Have It Already

There's a lot of talk of hateration and holleration going on right now and even though I dislike shining any sort of light on these people (because when you show them they've wounded you, they are "encouraged" to be even more ferocious), sometimes it's necessary to talk about them. And why they are the way they are.

I'll share an example of what happened to me a short while ago. I'll just say that something happened that upset me a great deal and I couldn't stand being in the house another minute. I HAD to get outside for a bit. I put on a floppy hat to shade me from the Sun and I was wearing what only can be described as loose fitting gym clothes. I wasn't concerned with how I looked (which is very unusual for me), I just needed to get out. I went out for a walk to a place I go to when I need to be by myself. I prayed and I cried and I let everything out. And then I went home. And on the way back I heard that some black women were calling to each other to look at me being "disheveled" as I walked by and to gather around and talk about me as I was passing by them on the way home from my walk. I heard them and was tempted to say nothing, but in my spirit I knew a response was necessary.
I turned, smiled and said, "God bless you." and then went on my way.

From that moment on, I was absolutely resolved to NEVER leave the house looking anything less than flawless. And I'm already planning my fall/winter wardrobe to ensure I look even more fabulous for the rest of the year.

It amazed me that these women who I did not know from Adam, who I'd never said a word to ever and didn't know them even indirectly, were so invested in how I looked that they took glee in me clearly being out of sorts. I ordinary look my best and carry myself with confidence and a cheerful demeanor. These persons, clearly lacking in self-confidence, were happy for an opportunity to see me looking and feeling less than stellar. Who in the world has that kind of time to be mentally and emotionally invested in someone they don't know and will never meet?!
It's another form of "You think you're better than me?"-ism that you see expressed by low-minded people who just sit around looking for an opportunity to spew venom and hope that they are hurting someone who they feel threatened by. It's funny because outside of this article, I will never think of these people again, except maybe a thanks for inspiring me to buy that skirt I wasn't sure about spending the extra money on but will be sure to rock with all my might. They will still be standing around hating, and I will be going on with my life. Two ships passing in the night, and one of them is named "Titanic". Let them sink with their fears and cowardice and self-hatred; I'd rather sail on into a brighter tomorrow.

Admittedly, I've tangled with the green-eyed monster myself-we all have, it's an aspect of human nature. But this type of behavior is something else entirely. There is no justification for it. None. You cannot claim injury, hurt, or any type of anguish that would make the emotional investment that these type of people have in the pain and failure of another person sound. So then it must be something else.

Jealousy? I hate the word because I feel it is an easy out for the pathology we witness in people like who I described and people who regularly attack BW-centric messages.

I think what it is, plain and simple, is recognized lacking. Opposites attract, and negative energy is drawn to positive energy: These people will look at you and look to you because they see in you things that are lacking within themselves. They hate you not because of who you are, but because they can see what it is they are missing from their own lives, manifested as a blessing or as good fortune in someone else.

These people are suffering. And often, the people they are hating on have suffered or are themselves suffering. But what separates the hater's suffering from the hated-on is that they are not suffering on the way to something beautiful and fulfilling. My dad always told me, "Suffering is a strong possibility in this life....why not suffer on the way to something great?" Indeed, suffering is a big part of the culture for many black people. The many stories told about how we were denied opportunities and discriminated against and made outsiders. I suspect that many haters of upwardly mobile black women take their own suffering to be an affirmation of their identity as a black person. They tell themselves they must be low and stagnant because that's how it was for blacks in the past, and that's the surest way to assure everyone that you are black. They build this reality around the idea that they must remain downwardly mobile and omitted from the promised "American Dream" that all persons who are born or come here should have the right to. So when they see someone suffering on the way to something good, or succeeding despite having to suffer the existence of haters like them, it upsets them in a big way.

 No matter how hard these people hate on you, they will still be suffering and with nothing to show for it.

The aspect of you that they hate on, meanwhile, will never find its way into their own lives because regardless of whether you succeed or fail, your success or failure is entirely your own. That unique talent, light, or hope that drives you belongs ONLY to you and cannot be replicated. These persons have a choice: They can find their own light and "let it shine" so to speak or they can spend the rest of their lives praying other lights go out and that somehow this magically alleviates their own pain. Spoiler for haters reading this right now: No, it won't.

And so I end with the title: You, through finding your own inspiration, through shining your own light, through making the decision to be the best person you can have everything necessary to defeat these persons. Because they can never win against a reality that says that they will be nothing so long as all they have going for themselves is how badly someone else is doing or feeling. If the failure of other people is the closest you can get to fulfillment, you have nothing and will NEVER have anything. The only way to change this is to re-focus your life energy on your own situation. To stop hiding from and accept that your life is not what you want and its on you and you alone to alter this. And then to acknowledge your mistakes, your self-loathing, your fears of failure and to press on anyway.

Suffering and missteps will likely happen. But let it be on the way to something brilliant, something that is totally and wonderfully and uniquely your own.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


Between the book and other things I'm working on at present, I'll actually be pretty busy.

So I'll not be submitting anything new until about September.

Thanks to all who visit and read, see you in a few months! o/

Friday, July 6, 2012

I got a name...and it's not Mammy.

I am not a coddler. It's not in my nature to coddle people who are old enough to know better and don't care. Now, this isn't to say I'm a meanie who hates children.

On the contrary. I adore kids and feel far more patient with them than I do grown ups. Because they are kids and they don't know any better. If they are wrong, I'm more likely to look at the parents than the child since that's who is responsible for them.

Speaking of which, I would like everyone to go and flag this video:

As far as I'm concerned it's child abuse and completely inappropriate. There is nothing, NOTHING at all cute, sexy, funny, or endearing about a child having grown women shaking their tails in his face. Ask yourselves if this video would be treated nearly as lightly if it were a little six year old girl singing while grown men swing peen in her face.

Chris Hansen would ride in on an elephant and Falcon Punch (TM) every adult present into the 5th dimension.

I know that society likes to pretend that sexualizing little boys isn't nearly as harmful, but it is. ESPECIALLY little black boys like this one who will not grow up with a healthy idea of what women are like and how they are supposed to be treated.

This video deeply disturbs me because it reminds me of a recent post I made on the subject. Some people aren't connecting the dots, but I most certainly am.

What you are seeing is a symptom of a community that asks black women to both be mothers and sex objects to man-children (or in this case, literal children), while having no real authority or respect. People keep telling themselves that there is nothing wrong with removing a sane paternal figure from the picture while pumping out children like this little boy. And if you think things are bad now, I have a funny feeling it will get worse. Much worse.

But I have gotten off track: I want to make it clear to people who are confused as to my part in the BW/IRR collective: I am not your damn mammy. I am not mama. I am not mommy. I am NOT your maternal figure sent to wipe your behind and clean up after you and treat you like the child you know perfectly well you are NOT.

As I stated before, children messing up isn't upsetting to me. Like that dear little boy in the video. He is clearly an innocent child who does not appreciate anything that is going on. When a child doesn't understand, you can afford to be patient with them. Because they're little and still learning.

But there is a biiiiig difference between a little child that doesn't know any better and a grown as HAYELL adult who not only knows better, but does not care. I think it's pathetic that adults try and pass off their willful ignorance as "child-like" and expect to be treated as children. I do not coddle adults. I do not pretend that people who are willfully, triflingly ignorant deserve the sort of patience and compliance that a child does. That is just insulting to my intelligence, which is a no-go.

You want to be "there there'd" about your bad life decisions that you try and pass off as something to aspire to? You want to be coddled as you laugh at sane, functional persons making rational and fruitful life choices? You want me to pretend that even when you do so, you are not a hypocrite who yourself opted to pass on wanting and being better (but can't stand the thought of someone else doing so)?

Not happening. 

Get out of my face. I am not your mammy.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Black Women: Yes, You Are Liked....Yes, You Are LOVED!

“How do ________ men feel about black women?”

I’ve never written any posts asking the above question because I understood the idea that results vary. Not everyone feels the same way. No one is obligated to feel the same way. But curiosity is a human condition and people will satisfy it anyway they can. In this case, by posting generic questions on the internet and hoping for the best. But the internet is full of all kinds of anonymous people and questions like this draw honest feedback as well as out-and-out evil. When a black woman makes her curiosity (and indirectly, her vulnerability) known, it tends to brings out the worst kinds of persons. A hopeful black woman is a delicacy to poisonous people who cannot wait to tear her down.
For that reason, I stay away from such discussions, which often take place in hostile environments. BWE/BW-IRR centric safe spaces on the internet are rarer than we appreciate. Outside of these communities, the conversation can be biased against the best wishes and self-esteem of black women. Even such spaces are not immune to people showing up that are determined to erode the confidence and well being of black women who want more for themselves.
Needless to say, such persons get indignant when they cannot spread their poison and are promptly shown the door. Likely this sense of entitlement comes from being used to boards and blogs where they can tear down black women with gusto and no one says anything. And if a black woman is lacking in self-love and confidence, it can be devastating seeing so many people line up to put you down for no other reason than because you are a black woman.
But, there is a more basic and more fundamental question that’s being asked whenever these questions pop up:

“Do people think I’m worthy of being liked and loved?”

There is a fear that racism will cloud the judgment of the whole Earth and being a dark-skinned woman of color will set the universe against you. There are indeed a great deal of people who love nothing better than standing on the backs of black women; doing so makes them closer to the top of the pile. Looking for the love and approval of such persons is pointless because (1) you’ll never get it and (2) anyone who would rather stand on you than love and support you is not someone you should be trying to be loved by anyway. They are certainly not worthy of your love.

One mistake SO MANY black women make is that they make racism the focus rather than love. They worry about accidentally falling in love with a racist. They worry that if they consider interracial dating, they’ll have to find true love amongst a sea of bigots that hate them. It’s mind boggling that some black women ignore racism aimed at them by self-hating members of their own ethnic group. And yet at the same time, focus on racists when it comes to interracial relationships rather than qualities and and characteristics that already signal that a man is ideal, regardless of his ethnic background.

When you are conditioned to prioritize your skin color to such a degree and are taught that it is the most unlovable thing there is, it’s no wonder that you become so full of self loathing, shame, and fear.“If being a black woman is such a terrible thing to every other ethnic group….does anyone out therereally love me?”

To the women who ask themselves this or if you know black women who ask themselves this, please pass along the following:

YES, you are likable and lovable and your skin is never a deterrent among people who are truly caring towards you.  Do not get caught up in the idea of your skin color getting in the way of being loved or the skin color and culture of someone else getting in the way either. All humans want to be loved and well thought of. It’s practically part of the way we are formed. We want to be well thought of and cared for by others, and it’s an absolutely normal desire.
It’s first important to allow yourself to view this desire as normal, and to understand that you are worthy of being loved for who you are. Let go of this feeling that race is the most important factor in determining whether you are capable of being seen as a lovable human being. Let go of the assumption that race is a valid reason to care about the opinions of other people that serve only to keep you immobile in a corner. It doesn’t matter if those people are white Americans, Eastern Europeans, South-East Asians, or members of your own ethnic group. Those who would harm you mentally, emotionally, and physically can all be counted as persons whose opinions you need not concern yourself with and whose love you need not be seeking to validate yourself.
This does not mean you can’t speak out against or combat racism. It’s just that when it comes to matters of love, so many black women have been taught to treat it as something that they must concern themselves with in all things when dealing with other people or how they expect those persons to seek to interact with them. For them, consideration of interracial love begins from the point of view of seeking a non-racist in a pile of KKK members, rather than seeking a loving man of another race. It’s like they don’t know how to “turn off” or “flip the switch” and focus on something other than skin color and ethnicity. Ironic, right?

If there are men of other ethnic groups you are attracted to, understand that just as you are not a monolithic black woman they are not monolithic either. Just as you desire to be loved, so do these men. Before saying, “Do _______ men, like/love black women?” say, “I am a black woman worthy of being loved. And I am a woman who will concern myself with individuals I feel are worthy of my love and whom I am worthy of being loved by.”

If you have qualities and characteristics in mind regarding what kind of person you want to be with, that should always be the top priority. Do not make interracial dating about seeking a partner in order to affirm whether or not you are worthy of being loved. This should be a given. If it is not STOP, please, and make that something you work on. Otherwise you are approaching the idea of a loving relationship from a deficit and you will not be capable of being an equal in whatever loving relationship you are seeking. It’s kind of hard to find love if you go into the dating world not believing that it’s something you are completely worthy of.

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Thanks for reading. I’ll be taking a tiny break from blog writing because I NEED to get to work on my book or it’s just not going to get done. Have a wonderful week everyone!