Saturday, April 6, 2013

Changes coming + I'm tired of trifling black women....

I know, I haven't been active on here for a loooooooooong time, but that's with good reason: I've been tinkering away on a different site. Granted, the theme will be more general than this site, but it will also look better. Also, I'm almost finished with my book. Funny thing is it's NOT the book I set out to write. O_o But I will be done soon and then I can start the editing process. So excited.


Hopefully the site will go live within a month. So excited!

+ + + + +

Some black women are and will always remain their own worst enemies. I've already decided to back off of discussing weight because too many black women want to fight you over it. I feel like at every turn to try and encourage black women to do better and change aspects about themselves that hold them back, there is a lot of noise and resistance. And yet this SAME bunch of black women are walking around confused about "why things aren't happening for them."

I can only shrug at this point. I realize that there is a part of me that loves black women and wants all of us to be as fabulous as I know we all have the potential to be. But then there is the part that says that not all black women are on the same page, are looking out for each other, or will get to the finish line of love and happiness.

And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I mean SELF-love and SELF-happiness. Why? Because ultimately they are trifling as hell. And yes I mean that.

If you would rather hem and haw about doing whatever it is you have to do in order to improve your quality of life and the people who you surround yourself with, you are trifling.

If you are one of those black women that freaks out over the idea of having to lose weight but feel comfortable putting down plus-sized men who show interest because they don't look like a male model, you are trifling (and a hypocrite).

If you would rather spend energy fighting people who try encourage you that you CAN do something and act like it's up to those persons to convince you to want or do better for yourself, you are trifling as hell.

And I don't have time for you.

Initially, it was about the weight posts I've participated in, but I think I'm just going to do myself a favor and extend this to all areas where I encounter black women who are dumb as a box of rocks and would rather justify self-defeating attitudes and behaviors than get their heads right. Worrying about these black women is taking away from my own store of positive energy and that's a no-no. Also, it's getting in the way of associating with like-minded black women who are mentally there.

Not perfect, because I've got my wrinkles to iron out, too. But who are about their own happiness and the belief that they can get it and that they have a right to it.

Yep, so this is pretty much declaring that I am done with such women. No arguments, rants, etc. I will put you in the same box I put other black women who start down a laundry list of reasons why the exception is the rule when it comes to weight and fatherlessness. One big box of "if you want to go down that road, bye. But I will not be following you. o/"

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Nothing Like A Death In The Family To Make You Hate The Living...

Nine days ahead of my own dear grandmother's cancer surgery for a malignant tumor in the throat, we get the news that her sister passed. She is now the only living sister of twelve kids, and she's the oldest child.

Breaking the news to her will not be easy.

Even harder to bear than that?

The fact that "death" seems to translate to "freebies" for certain persons.

Imagine this: A woman dies in her home and only a few hours after this is confirmed, relatives are rushing over to see what they can get.

There is no mourning, no sorrow. Just, "I'm gonna get something!"

A couple of my relatives put a lock on her back door and locked her front door to keep things in check (to keep people from raiding the poor woman's house) until they can sort out whether or not she had a will and if not, agree to divide everything up equally among the family.

I wasn't particularly close to the aunt that passed. And I admit there were times when her attitude got under my skin. But I do feel that this woman deserved better than people who HARDLY EVER VISITED HER being the first ones to try and burst into her house to claim whatever they can get their grubby hands on.

This is why I'm helping my grandmother put together a will. Why I'll have one for myself, and why I'd like my parents to have one. Because outside of my own situation (as I won't be around to do anything), I do not want to end up arrested for beating the bloody hell out of anyone because I haven't had a chance to even register such a loss when a whole bunch of sorry relations show up demanding access to items.

It would be remotely understandable if they genuinely wanted something to remember that person by. But the idea of people viewing the loss of someone I loved dearly as a chance to get something for free would be too much for me and someone would wind up in the hospital.

I've seen this play out with other deaths in the family before, but seeing it right now, while helping my grandmother prepare for serious surgery, just drives home the point of how LOW some people are.

And it's also why I'd seriously advise EVERYONE to settle matters before they leave here. Because some people have no tact, taste, or human kindness. They view every passing as a yard sale, gift shop, or just straight up opportunity to grab whatever they can. But a will settles any question regarding what YOU want when it comes to loved ones (and not so loved ones) and whatever you elect to leave behind.

No person should have to deal with the nonsense I had to be privy to this morning.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

“Macho” Little Black Girls: The Anti-Femininity War on Black Women

Note: For the purpose of this article, I'm dealing with a specifically observed issue that has nothing to do with "butch" lesbianism in black women or non-black women. What I'm talking about is not an outgrowth of self-identified sexuality, sexual expression, or a conscious decision by the individual to move away from gender norms and form their own identity. This post is on something ENTIRELY different.


MachoismProminently exhibited or displayed masculinity....Characteristics include domineering, fierceness, bravado, and similar behavior patterns displayed showily or histrionically as being tough...The machismo of members of the human species are all exaggerated features that may cause injury to individuals that display them but attract females.

I started to bring this point up in a recent post, but the dialogue was such that it wasn't immediately relevant to that situation. Though it was relevant as an explanation as to why that woman (I thought she was a teenager at the time) behaved the way she did.

This is an ongoing problem in the black community: A direct off-shoot of the war on femininity in black women. There is a segment of self-hating persons working in collusion with white racism to undermine black womanhood in any way that they can. This is just one symptom of the viral infection.

But for the confused, here are some helpful explanations as to where these hyper-macho little black girls are coming from, and why this problem is only going to get WORSE if black women do not actively combat attempts by persons to strip us of our femininity.

Explanation One: A Lack of a Positive Father/Male Figure

This is just another side-effect of a lack of familial structure and the availability of sensible paternal figures. The anti-NWNW people can say what they want to: In ethnic groups where marriage is encouraged and fathers are EXPECTED to care for their offspring, you simply do not see the level of "macho" aggressive young women that is startlingly common in the African American community.

If you have a man present that is respectful of women, who encourages you to be feminine and delicate, and who allows you to feel protected, I honestly believe that you are very unlikely to develop such aggressive and violent tendencies. Why would you have to? You have a male provider and protector in your home, or in your family circle. You know that if someone tries to harm you, there is a man you can turn to who will defend your honor. This reinforces your sense of value as a young lady who knows what it is to be appreciated, respected, and protected by a man. Therefore, you have nothing to prove to anyone, and are mentally and emotionally free to pursue other things.

Even though my "girliness" did not catch up to me until well into college, I was always encouraged to be myself, that I was intelligent and could do anything I set my mind to. I never had any negative influences making me loathe myself for being a black woman, telling me that being a lady or delicate was "white-acting", and I was never put into a survival situation where I had to be physically hardened in order to fight off physical assaults or sexual abuse.

I think one clear explanation for this behavior is a lack of responsible, respectful, non-abusive men in the life of these girls growing up, and they end up "filling the void" left by a lack of masculine energy, encouraged to do so by their mothers who would prefer to coddle their sons in a way that they will never coddle their daughters. Black little girls in their mind must be hardened, must be the protectors and providers. They are simply "on their own".

Explanation Two: Sexual Abuse

There are many indicators that a child has been sexually violated. Some symptoms of sexual abuse are low self-esteem, cruelty, and aggressive behavior. These girls may be very angry as a result of having been violated and having no one to help stop the abuse, acknowledge that the abuse is happening, or protect them from their abuser(s). Increased aggression could be a sign that they feel that being mean and fighting everyone is the only way to keep the hands of such persons off of them. They are afraid of being seen as weak and vulnerable, because they learned very early on that being either of these things makes them desirable to predators. If black women are not mindful of the men they elect to procreate with or the men they have around their daughters, it will lead to putting their offspring in constant jeopardy.

Explanation Three: Bizarro World Occupants See Femininity As "Anti-Black"

In their desperation to keep slavery and white racism alive like the good little brain-washed helpers that they are, the GAT-DL has long declared a WAR on black femininity. They look to white people to identify themselves, that way they can get to work being the polar opposite. The problem is that many of the things being labeled as "white" does not belong to any race or ethnic group. One such thing is  femininity, or being the yin to the masculine yang. Behaving in a calm, sensible, demure, manner. Allowing yourself to be pretty, loveable, and gentle.

Since white racism has declared that only white women are actually human and every other "race" is subhuman, it is according to those doctrines perfectly acceptable to treat subhumans as no better than animals, and anticipate violent animal behaviors in them. Students of these doctines, the GAT-DL believes quite firmly that the best thing they can do is eliminate feminine black women from the face of the Earth. Even deny their existence. Black women are "h*s", "b*tches", and "macho asexuals". They are Mammies, Mules, Sapphires, and Jezebels.  Sadly, the brain-dead masses in their way affirm white racist doctrines by encouraging these girls to be anything other than feminine black women. Because in the back of their minds, expecting any sort of respect or consideration as a woman is something simply NOT for black women. They believe fully in their inferiority and resent any black woman who doesn't, and feel the need to put her in her place. Either through cruel verbal jabs, or beating and or raping her. And if they can't do it directly, they let these indoctrinated "macho non-men" do it for them.

How many of us have seen these macho little black girls attacking feminine black girls? "You think you cute?!" as asked menacingly by these girls and women is really code for "You are a feminine representation of black beauty, and that cannot stand, because white racism teaches us that there's no such thing."

There are certainly other explanations (you're more than welcome to mention), but these seem to be the major factors. Nothing happens in a vacuum when it comes to dysfunctional behavior in black people. These overly aggressive girls have been encouraged and instructed to act out in this way. To  expect someone who has been actively encouraged to be the polar opposite of a feminine sensible lady to be anything else is a waste of time. At this point, as with anything involving DBR black people,  it's best to just observe from a safe distance. 

Part II: The "Black Woman 'Machoism' Scale": Where You Lie Could Mean Life and Death

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hold Everything: They’re Bringing Back Kenya Dolls!

That's right!

For those of you who remember, there was a time in the 1990s when there was series of dolls in different skin shades marketed to little black girls. One such doll was called, "Kenya".
As I said elsewhere when I found this out, it hit me right in the childhood. I am still flailing. I
will most definitely might buy one when they are released next month. I don't care if I'm not the target demographic. And clearly I'm not the only one who feels this way:
We can almost hear the squeals of joy coming from the countless black women in their 20s as they read this post and remember their childhood days with Kenya in tow.



Anyway, I'm truly excited about not only the re-launching of the dolls, which went away due to copyright issues, but also what I'm hearing about the the new version. This time around, the brand is hoping to have among other things a TV show, computer apps, a film, and music released.

The first launch of the product was successful and I am hoping the second launch will be even more successful. There is an undeniable void regarding self-esteem building representations for little black girls where they get to see positive images of themselves and be positively encouraged to love themselves.

I'm checking out the new versions and there are a few things I noted:

1.) Kenya is very dark-skinned. This true of both the classic version being released and the "Fashion Madness" version. I admit I was a bit concerned about how they were handling this re-launch in terms of skin tone. I know people want to tip-toe around the shadism/colorism elephant in the room, but marketing a dark-skinned doll as the lead in a series of dolls targeted to little black girls is very bold, given the fact darker skin is often maligned when it comes to black women in popular black culture. I feel like doll's creators are very sensitive to that fact and are going above and beyond to reaching out to those little girls.

2.) They gave the older version of Kenya a boyfriend, named TJ. Yes, TJ is also black and this isn't very surprising giving the pro-black family (more on that in a minute) angle of these toys. What I like is that he, like all the characters in this line, is not stereotypical, is into sports but at the same time is VERY MUCH about his education, and has a positive message for young black girls regarding doing their best and being with people who love and support them. Including the men in their life.

3.) The Kenya line is very much pro-black family and pro-black community. This MAY worry some on the BW-centric front who see this as a Trojan horse. Some may see it as promoting a reality of the black community that does not exist.
Well, the flip side of this is the fact that you can bet there will be GAT-DL haters complaining about how "unrealistic" these dolls are because of how "white" they all act, how portraying the characters from  stable two-parent homes may "hurt the feelings" of some little girls from single parent homes. You may have people chipping away at the positivity of this brand because it does not reflect or normalize dysfunction. And YES, I already see it coming.
The bottom line is, as far as I can tell, the good of these dolls far outweigh any BWE-centric notions of "it's a trap!". Still if you feel that there's going to be an issue, it's not like you have to buy the dolls for your daughters or any other little girls you know. It's like anything else you suspect may be a bad influence that involves you spending don't have to do it. Put your money into whatever else you feel will positively influence women and girls around you, that is your right. :)

The final impression I get from these dolls is that as a black girl, you are capable of doing whatever you set your mind to: You are intelligent, fun, fashionable, out-of-the-box, and you should form connections with people who feel the same. You should be proud of yourself (as stated in the music video for the "Fashion Madness" doll).

I feel like anything that encourages black girls to do their best, be their best, and fills them with a sense of self-love and pride is a GREAT thing. Because it's not something that has always been marketed at little black girls. Kenya dolls were the first of their kind, and that was a tiny window compared to other dolls for other little girls. Hopefully good things will come of this.

...And yes, I'm buying all the dolls. \o/

So what are your thoughts? Are you excited for the return of classic Kenya? What is your opinion on the other dolls being released? Do you think there are any major issues and concerns being overlooked?

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Guess What? I'm A Grown A** Woman!

Oh, Lawdy Lawd!

It never fails, does it? Express a definite opinion about something that doesn't kiss the behinds of some IITs (Internet Ike Turners) and out they come. One particular comment annoyed me for a hot minute before I remembered that it was within my ability to eliminate with extreme prejudice. But the sentiment was a fairly common one when it comes to control-freak BM with a warped sense of entitlement regarding other people's lives and boundaries:

"If you want to date White men, that's cool."

Now, I wouldn't mind this comment so much if it came from my father or my brothers, the only black men in my life whose opinions actually matter to me. And even if it WASN'T cool...I'm a grown a** woman, and I don't need any person's permission to live my life. These backhanded "I give you my approval" comments annoy me because as Samuel L. Jackson would say, "I don't remember asking you a godd*** thing!" Not only that, some of these men act as if BW dating interracially and having their approval (which is unneeded) means they aren't allowed to talk about certain things.

I don't think so, Slappy.

And as it happens, this comment was featured in a tirade accusing me of maligning black men everywhere with this post. Yes....that post where I'm telling black women to not treat black men like gods, and hold them to the standards of all human beings was me "bashing black men everywhere".

Mmmhmm. You'll note that part where I start talking about what a good man is and ISN'T? I think someone's toes got stepped on:

"There are abusive men in all racial categories and there are good men in all racial categories.
Condemning all Black men as bad is just not accurate or honest."

LOL, what?

Nowhere did I do that. In fact, I made a comment stating pretty firmly that good and bad is subjective (it is) and I implied heavily that you have to use your common sense when it comes to judging people. An insane control freak may consider himself "a good black man" because he has a nice job, a nice car, and no debt. 

But as always with BM trolls, they give themselves away and get their feelings hurt when you point out the damaged behavior they exhibit as being wrong and NOT the qualities any woman would or should look for in a man. Suddenly, ALL black men are like them and if I'm calling their sorry behinds out, I'm speaking to all black men everywhere, good and bad.

Yeah, I don't think so. You see, this is why I don't speak up on behalf of men: You get some men so used to women spoiling, coddling, and defending them, they have no concept of how to read anything less than glowing praise and worship as something other than an a attack on an entire gender. 

These little boys think they can guilt you into holding your tongue about the backward treatment and skewed standards of black women by dictating to you what to say and think and trying to rewrite what you said to reflect a narrative that simply does not exist. Ha!

I'm going to cross-post a follow-up based on this remark, because these type of statements are HUGE RED FLAGS indicating persons who are likely abusive and manipulative. If a man trying to get with you is frequently interested in using the evils of other people to justify their own behavior, you need to watch out!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

New Post, New Blog Coming, New News!

Well it's been awhile, but it's September and I'm back posting like I promised. \o/

Some news:

- I'm creating a new website!

I never intended this website to be so singular in terms of discussion, and though I'm glad people do enjoy a lot of what I write, there's other things I'd like to share and discuss. :) Hopefully the site will be up between late October and November. I'll be moving posts from here to there and closing the blog.

- The book...

Suffered some major setbacks, mainly in the form of my master's thesis.  _o_ I intend to focus all my energy on getting it done and that means much pretty much everything else goes on the back burner for now. Hopefully by the time the site goes up I'll be better able to share what the book will be about and maybe post some excerpts for feedback purposes.

- WTF?!

Maybe it's the recent blue moon but I can't help notice a heightened level of pointless negativity from folks in certain spaces. It makes me sad. I don't expect us to all agree or disagree, but I do wish people would learn when to walk away. We aren't all going to get along, but at the same time there are certain behaviors that are beneath us. And just as I'm learning to shed myself of concern over things that are trivial, I'm hoping the same for others.

You find you figuratively have a lighter load when you drop the weight off your back of so many ridiculous things that shouldn't concern you.

That's all for now. :) Have a great week!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Hater's Number: Odds Are, You Have It Already

There's a lot of talk of hateration and holleration going on right now and even though I dislike shining any sort of light on these people (because when you show them they've wounded you, they are "encouraged" to be even more ferocious), sometimes it's necessary to talk about them. And why they are the way they are.

I'll share an example of what happened to me a short while ago. I'll just say that something happened that upset me a great deal and I couldn't stand being in the house another minute. I HAD to get outside for a bit. I put on a floppy hat to shade me from the Sun and I was wearing what only can be described as loose fitting gym clothes. I wasn't concerned with how I looked (which is very unusual for me), I just needed to get out. I went out for a walk to a place I go to when I need to be by myself. I prayed and I cried and I let everything out. And then I went home. And on the way back I heard that some black women were calling to each other to look at me being "disheveled" as I walked by and to gather around and talk about me as I was passing by them on the way home from my walk. I heard them and was tempted to say nothing, but in my spirit I knew a response was necessary.
I turned, smiled and said, "God bless you." and then went on my way.

From that moment on, I was absolutely resolved to NEVER leave the house looking anything less than flawless. And I'm already planning my fall/winter wardrobe to ensure I look even more fabulous for the rest of the year.

It amazed me that these women who I did not know from Adam, who I'd never said a word to ever and didn't know them even indirectly, were so invested in how I looked that they took glee in me clearly being out of sorts. I ordinary look my best and carry myself with confidence and a cheerful demeanor. These persons, clearly lacking in self-confidence, were happy for an opportunity to see me looking and feeling less than stellar. Who in the world has that kind of time to be mentally and emotionally invested in someone they don't know and will never meet?!
It's another form of "You think you're better than me?"-ism that you see expressed by low-minded people who just sit around looking for an opportunity to spew venom and hope that they are hurting someone who they feel threatened by. It's funny because outside of this article, I will never think of these people again, except maybe a thanks for inspiring me to buy that skirt I wasn't sure about spending the extra money on but will be sure to rock with all my might. They will still be standing around hating, and I will be going on with my life. Two ships passing in the night, and one of them is named "Titanic". Let them sink with their fears and cowardice and self-hatred; I'd rather sail on into a brighter tomorrow.

Admittedly, I've tangled with the green-eyed monster myself-we all have, it's an aspect of human nature. But this type of behavior is something else entirely. There is no justification for it. None. You cannot claim injury, hurt, or any type of anguish that would make the emotional investment that these type of people have in the pain and failure of another person sound. So then it must be something else.

Jealousy? I hate the word because I feel it is an easy out for the pathology we witness in people like who I described and people who regularly attack BW-centric messages.

I think what it is, plain and simple, is recognized lacking. Opposites attract, and negative energy is drawn to positive energy: These people will look at you and look to you because they see in you things that are lacking within themselves. They hate you not because of who you are, but because they can see what it is they are missing from their own lives, manifested as a blessing or as good fortune in someone else.

These people are suffering. And often, the people they are hating on have suffered or are themselves suffering. But what separates the hater's suffering from the hated-on is that they are not suffering on the way to something beautiful and fulfilling. My dad always told me, "Suffering is a strong possibility in this life....why not suffer on the way to something great?" Indeed, suffering is a big part of the culture for many black people. The many stories told about how we were denied opportunities and discriminated against and made outsiders. I suspect that many haters of upwardly mobile black women take their own suffering to be an affirmation of their identity as a black person. They tell themselves they must be low and stagnant because that's how it was for blacks in the past, and that's the surest way to assure everyone that you are black. They build this reality around the idea that they must remain downwardly mobile and omitted from the promised "American Dream" that all persons who are born or come here should have the right to. So when they see someone suffering on the way to something good, or succeeding despite having to suffer the existence of haters like them, it upsets them in a big way.

 No matter how hard these people hate on you, they will still be suffering and with nothing to show for it.

The aspect of you that they hate on, meanwhile, will never find its way into their own lives because regardless of whether you succeed or fail, your success or failure is entirely your own. That unique talent, light, or hope that drives you belongs ONLY to you and cannot be replicated. These persons have a choice: They can find their own light and "let it shine" so to speak or they can spend the rest of their lives praying other lights go out and that somehow this magically alleviates their own pain. Spoiler for haters reading this right now: No, it won't.

And so I end with the title: You, through finding your own inspiration, through shining your own light, through making the decision to be the best person you can have everything necessary to defeat these persons. Because they can never win against a reality that says that they will be nothing so long as all they have going for themselves is how badly someone else is doing or feeling. If the failure of other people is the closest you can get to fulfillment, you have nothing and will NEVER have anything. The only way to change this is to re-focus your life energy on your own situation. To stop hiding from and accept that your life is not what you want and its on you and you alone to alter this. And then to acknowledge your mistakes, your self-loathing, your fears of failure and to press on anyway.

Suffering and missteps will likely happen. But let it be on the way to something brilliant, something that is totally and wonderfully and uniquely your own.