Friday, November 25, 2011

Memo: BWE-IRR blog sites are NOT your black love hook-up source!

This is actually NOT the second part to the previous post, but it had to be written anyway. There has been an alarming turn of events that has just now come to my attention, and now (4 AM, go figure) is as good a time as any to address the issue.

Velour from over at Interracial Intersection shared the following in the comments section for the previous blog post:

"...I had one black woman attempt to guilt and browbeat me into including "all men" on my YouTube videos, though it is clear that the purpose of my videos are to support and encourage black women who are in or interested in interracial relationships. Today, I had yet another black women hound me interview-style, about why I would consider attraction at all, rather than just date all men regardless of color.
Why are they concerned with whether black men are included in my interracial space and in my dating pool (I'm married, anyway), and how black men feel about it? They could, after all, just make "black love" spaces, rather than request that I change the theme of my site. "

This question was largely what my previous blog was asking. I am lead to believe that these women know that BWE/IRR spaces are more likely to have BM skulking about than anything "black love" related. The average BM is not interested in "black love", at least not specifically and certainly not with the fervor of the average NBAB black woman. But they are more likely to show interest to BW who are figuratively and in some cases literally outside of their grasp. And so there they are, drooling over the BW that are happily married to WM/non-BM or who've made it clear that they're no longer "checking for a brotha".

When these NBAB sisters find that these BL spaces are a dud and that the BM are more likely to be on BW-centric IRR and BWE blogs, they do what any BW desperate to snag a BM would do: Go into those spaces!

Not to hear the BWE-message, and sometimes not even to sister-soldier (though some try for brownie points). They have started reaching out to the BW blog mistresses in a desperate attempt to get the attention of the BM in those spaces:

I run a website specifically for African Americans to use for online
dating called __________. It has become a passion
project of mine within the black community and I’d like to submit my website
for inclusion in the resource section of your site.

So here you have a specific example of a BW asking for help to plug her BL site.

Well, I'd like to do my part to help snap these women back to the reality they continue to run from:

1.) BM in these spaces are not interested in you and your black love agenda. It's a harsh truth, but you ladies desperate to use BW-IRR blogs to meet black men need to face facts. If these men were REMOTELY interested in you and your love, they would not be in BWE/IRR spaces trying to get with/or get the attention of women on those blogs.

2.) BM will never be as interested in or invested in "black love" as black women are. If they were, the BC would simply not be in the sorry shape that it is. And besides, when have black men ever limited their romantic interests to black women? Especially the darker, non-Euro looking plain-jane BW? They aren't about limiting their options, or looking specifically at the NBAB crew. Period. So....why are you ladies so determined to do yourselves a disservice and invest in a movement that is not mutually exclusive? Why not expand your own options?

3.) Logic dictates that the BM who are interested in black women and only black women would not be found on a site geared at BW who are not interested in BM.

And it's the last point I'm going to address in closing.

Ladies, those men who show up in BW-centric IRR spaces are about their E-G-O-S first and foremost. They are not about love, respect, and caring. These creatures are about control, manipulation, and predatory agendas. That is not the man that any sane, self-respecting black woman would want for herself anyway.

It's like trying to cure a cold by getting the chicken pox: It makes no sense.

It's actually sad to me, bordering on embarrassing, that BW would rather beg BWE/IRR centric BW to help them meet BM, especially a class of BM that are not interested in them, than do what they have to do and expand their borders.

No, this does not mean, "Run out and get some white boy!" nor does it mean, "Give up on all black men ever!"

What this means is STOP BEING THE ONE CHASING MEN WHO ARE RUNNING FROM YOU! Think of Julia Robert's character in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding and that chase scene near the end. Who was chasing her? Answer: Nobody. Stop pursuing men and move to a mindset and to a location (physically, digitally, emotionally) where you are being pursued.

I know it's lonely in your "black love" corner, but you don't have to stay there by yourself. And besides, it's not about the "black" anyway. It's about the "love", and giving it to a man who is worthy of it. Stop fixating on persons who do not want your love.

It's like the Bjork song, "All is full of love":

...You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love...

The point of these lyrics is that you are surrounded by love and loving sources, and yet you are looking for it in a place and in a direction where it does not exist, not for YOU. But rather than looking to those places (and begging others in those spaces to do the impossible and make these men seek you out. It's not happening...), it's up to you to "twist your head around" in a direction where you can see true love and be happy.

BWE-IRR spaces are simply not the logical solution for you NBAB black women, and it never will be. Only by you electing to do the sensible thing and invest in relationships with men who want to love you and have made their intentions clear will things end remotely well for you.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Why do sista soldiers come into BWE spaces? Just had a thought...

I intended to have a good hiatus until some time in December, but there really is no point. Anyway, glad to be back. :)

I came across this via BBW, and absolutely had to speak on it. Especially after word-vomiting all over poor-Chris's blog. What can I say...I have a lot of feelings. LOL.

Anyway, the blogmistress Velour runs a blogsphere for interracial relationships, and some "black love sista soldier" decided to creep into her space. This is an issue I will always have with these persons: Rather than occupy "black love" spaces with BM and BW who feel the same and just be together in their mutual phenotypical bliss, they need to go into IRR spaces and dictate the terms. They would much rather expend energy telling complete strangers how to think, feel, and love than think, feel, and love what they claim to care about so much.

I have a theory about why this occurs: There are more likely to be BM in IRR spaces than in BL spaces.

Think about it. Some DBR BM, who have serious mental and emotional problems to begin with, hate the idea of BW with anyone who is not black, let alone married to the person and happy and functional. A lot of BWE bloggers are happily married. Heck, even the ones like myself who are not married are not safe from these trolls because even though we're not in a relationship, we are not in a place mentally and emotionally where we are bound to them. We make up a population of BW that they simply cannot never will have. To say the least, this chaps their hindquarters something fierce.

So, they elect to come into these spaces and show their behinds. BM are, as bloggers like Evia have noted, more likely to obsess over BW who are wanted by WM and other non-BM than the BW who throw themselves at their feet, declaring their love and racial pride at the top of their lungs.

So what are these women to do? Go where the BM are! So they follow them into these IRR spaces. And like the good lap dogs they are, they echo their cries of "black pride" and "self-hate" and yadda yadda yadda. Both hoping to shame other BW away from being free and happy and to somehow magically impress those DBR males who will not give them anything more than a pat on the head. I guess it's better than nothing, right?

But suddenly, it makes a lot of sense. At the same time it's just really sad and pathetic if you think about it. These BW probably would love to have a space with these BM where they can talk about how much they love and worship each other. A place where these BW feel validated and valued. Especially the very dark, non-mixed, Afro-feature, not Euro-attractive BW. It would probably be nice to have a webspace where they could have men not fixate on why their hair is nappy or why they "can't grow hair like white women", or how BW below a certain skin shade don't do it for them, or how BW are both emasculating BM and yet won't support and love them like a mother. A space of pure love. But such a space does not exist, and certainly not without conditions.

And so, they descend into BWE spaces.

I do wonder if these women ALL believe the crap that they type, because I doubt the poor logic spewed could ever be universal. I think there are a few who have drunk enough of the kool aid to buy into it, but I think mostly it's a combination of envy and hoping to look good for those "brothas" who may be watching. Maybe one of them will be so impressed with how they stood up for their race that they'll send them a PM and maybe they can arrange to meet sometime.

...Keep dreaming, hon.

Anyway, the links inspired a lot of thoughts, hopefully to make up for my lack of major activity. I'm going to speak on them all separately, with this being the first part. The next will deal with the "Give A Brotha Every Chance Possible", the bastard son of "Give A Brotha A Chance". Clearly the spawn is more needy than the predecessor.

In the meantime, any thoughts on the theory?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

So much for the break: Some nonsense I must speak on....

I made it all of ten days. I feel so accomplished with this whole break from blogging. Only not.

Anyway, there are some things I have to touch on, and since I'm going to try and go back to being on hiatus, I'm going to hit them all in one go if possible:

Joe Paterno and Penn State:

After the university finally realized that their reputation was going to crap in the wake of this child rape scandal, they decided to kick Joe to the curb. And apparently a lot of people are upset about it. I am not one of them.

I think he and everyone else that swept Sandusky's child raping spree under the rug rather than call the police, like any sane, responsible, empathetic human being would, should be in jail.

I do not understand some people being so caught up in thinking that a game is more important that the safety and wellbeing of children, and acknowledging that these people failed to protect them as the idolized members of their community.

I wonder how long it will take these blind sheep to realize by standing behind this scumbag, by delaying his removal and by so many people covering this crime up that their university's reputation is all but done and they will be getting side-eyed until Armageddon for trying to apologize on behalf of anyone who was culpable in this whole mess.


You call. There is an investigation. Charges are filed. That's that.

This "I need all WM to love me or there is no point in dating IR" nonsense:


Listen. Not all WM, non-BM, etc. are going to be attracted to BW. And that's perfectly fine. Because you don't want to be with someone who clearly does not want to be with you.


Sometimes I wonder. After all we do see so many BW weeping over the long-lost BM who have vocally/quietly declared their desire to marry and or date women who are anything but BW, so maybe there's a running theme: BW getting sniffy about and focusing on men who clearly do not want them.

I just do not see the point of this thinking. It's defeatist and therefore the person who adheres to it is doomed.

Wouldn't it be easier, lovelier and far more sensible to be with a man who wants you for who you are rather than worrying about the men who don't? Why fixate on a group that is not in your best interests anyway?

Some women are destined to be miserable because they cannot make decisions based on logical thinking that works in their own best interests. The idea that someone can write off an entire group because the majority may not want to put a ring on it is beyond me. I you seriously intend to be courted by black men with that thinking? Because it's clear that many don't want to marry, and those who are marriage-minded are not uniformly looking at black women. I'll go so far as to say many aren't looking at black women period. This suggests that black women who take an "it's all or nothing" approach with men of various ethnic groups are are already done for.

But if that's what they want and they're ready to be alone, okay I guess. But if not, they need to leave 1 + 100,000,000 = 2 alone. 1+1=2 is where it's at. :D

Being concerned with white racists who won't date you....

I think of it this way:

I am one person. I am not gonna concern myself with millions of men who I'll never meet, never date, will never marry, etc. I don't care if 90% of men hate my guts. I don't care if 95% would never marry me. Because I am one person. 5% vs 1 single woman = odds in my favor for finding the right person. Because all you need is one. Aren't numbers fun?

Don't fixate on what men think on every subject and take a generic viewpoint as the standard. This is regardless of the racial makeup of these men. Because their opinions aren't universal. Think for yourself about yourself and what you want. Your best interests come first.

There was a book in the works. Getting to it...

The fact that my book deals with "procrastination" and I have not written it yet is itself a punch line, but there you go. I know what I want to write, I've just got to take the time and do it. It's national novel writing month and I just opened an account on nanowrimo. Hopefully I'll get my rear in gear and get it done!

Stuff I need to touch on at length:

I mentioned "color-struck" dating where BW assume because their SO isn't black that they can ignore their red flags and this concept of "white knighting" for black men. I'm probably going to expand more on those in the future, and I know I said I'd make another post for one. I've just been busy.

That's all for now. I'll be in touch!