Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Why do sista soldiers come into BWE spaces? Just had a thought...

I intended to have a good hiatus until some time in December, but there really is no point. Anyway, glad to be back. :)

I came across this via BBW, and absolutely had to speak on it. Especially after word-vomiting all over poor-Chris's blog. What can I say...I have a lot of feelings. LOL.

Anyway, the blogmistress Velour runs a blogsphere for interracial relationships, and some "black love sista soldier" decided to creep into her space. This is an issue I will always have with these persons: Rather than occupy "black love" spaces with BM and BW who feel the same and just be together in their mutual phenotypical bliss, they need to go into IRR spaces and dictate the terms. They would much rather expend energy telling complete strangers how to think, feel, and love than think, feel, and love what they claim to care about so much.

I have a theory about why this occurs: There are more likely to be BM in IRR spaces than in BL spaces.

Think about it. Some DBR BM, who have serious mental and emotional problems to begin with, hate the idea of BW with anyone who is not black, let alone married to the person and happy and functional. A lot of BWE bloggers are happily married. Heck, even the ones like myself who are not married are not safe from these trolls because even though we're not in a relationship, we are not in a place mentally and emotionally where we are bound to them. We make up a population of BW that they simply cannot never will have. To say the least, this chaps their hindquarters something fierce.

So, they elect to come into these spaces and show their behinds. BM are, as bloggers like Evia have noted, more likely to obsess over BW who are wanted by WM and other non-BM than the BW who throw themselves at their feet, declaring their love and racial pride at the top of their lungs.

So what are these women to do? Go where the BM are! So they follow them into these IRR spaces. And like the good lap dogs they are, they echo their cries of "black pride" and "self-hate" and yadda yadda yadda. Both hoping to shame other BW away from being free and happy and to somehow magically impress those DBR males who will not give them anything more than a pat on the head. I guess it's better than nothing, right?

But suddenly, it makes a lot of sense. At the same time it's just really sad and pathetic if you think about it. These BW probably would love to have a space with these BM where they can talk about how much they love and worship each other. A place where these BW feel validated and valued. Especially the very dark, non-mixed, Afro-feature, not Euro-attractive BW. It would probably be nice to have a webspace where they could have men not fixate on why their hair is nappy or why they "can't grow hair like white women", or how BW below a certain skin shade don't do it for them, or how BW are both emasculating BM and yet won't support and love them like a mother. A space of pure love. But such a space does not exist, and certainly not without conditions.

And so, they descend into BWE spaces.

I do wonder if these women ALL believe the crap that they type, because I doubt the poor logic spewed could ever be universal. I think there are a few who have drunk enough of the kool aid to buy into it, but I think mostly it's a combination of envy and hoping to look good for those "brothas" who may be watching. Maybe one of them will be so impressed with how they stood up for their race that they'll send them a PM and maybe they can arrange to meet sometime.

...Keep dreaming, hon.

Anyway, the links inspired a lot of thoughts, hopefully to make up for my lack of major activity. I'm going to speak on them all separately, with this being the first part. The next will deal with the "Give A Brotha Every Chance Possible", the bastard son of "Give A Brotha A Chance". Clearly the spawn is more needy than the predecessor.

In the meantime, any thoughts on the theory?


Demita said...

I just wish these "Black women are the mother godesses of the earth love my blackness and my black kang" soul circles would go back to the mother land and leave the rest of us alone I am not a crab in the bucket they dwell in but they insist on side walking over to these sites to harass us. Velour was a better woman that me I would have told Sistah Africa to take a flying leap

Toni said...


Indeed she was better than the both of us, because telling such people where they can go is too strong a temptation to resist a lot of the time.

But it's good she was detailed about where this person was coming from, in order to better expose the failed logic behind her point of view. This both puts the simpleton in her place, and allows others to identify the manipulation tactics being used.

I suspect there are a number of reasons these people are so unfulfilled they show up on BWE/IRR spaces, and hardly any of those reasons speak to anything functional.

Velour said...

Good article. LOL, I agree with your assessment, because the day before writing that article, I had one black woman attempt to guilt and browbeat me into including "all men" on my YouTube videos, though it is clear that the purpose of my videos are to support and encourage black women who are in or interested in interracial relationships. Today, I had yet another black women hound me interview-style, about why I would consider attraction at all, rather than just date all men regardless of color. Why are they concerned with whether black men are included in my interracial space and in my dating pool (I'm married, anyway), and how black men feel about it? They could, after all, just make "black love" spaces, rather than request that I change the theme of my site. They are seeking black men's attention by trying to show how "different" and "loyal" they are in comparison to the black women who are in interracial relationships. They mother black men, trying to make sure they always feel comfortable and included. It's pretty annoying when they continue to send me messages about the same thing lol.

Toni said...

Wow, that's just....O_o

But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense: They want to use you, and bloggers like you, to draw black men. If you can at least hint that they are valued, they hope these men will come into your space, and that they can at least in this way get access to them.

Because an IRR blog bringing up BM will, whether they want to own up to it or not, have an easier chance of drawing such men out than a "black love" site set up by single dark and lovely soul sisters.


I'd almost feel bad if these women weren't the source of their own misery.

Meena said...

The more I look back on my experiences in college, the more I realize the same tactics used by "Sister Soldiers" were the exact tactics used on me while attending university. On a night that was supposed to be about pampering and loving ourselves as the black women's group on campus, I was schooling the underclassmen girls about how the dating territory was different for them and that they should seriously consider dating men outside of their racial group. Well, one of the upperclassmen went back and told all of these things I said, to the group of black men on campus. It was clearly a desperate act on her part to gain attention from them when they clearly didn't give two fingers about her. The funny thing is, despite her doing this, I can attest to being in the desired category that she couldn't seem to get into. My eyes were on the non-bm on campus, while the eyes of the bm were watching me. Some women are just a disservice to bw as a whole in my opinion.

Patricia Kayden said...

Where are the "Black love" sites for them to populate? Do they even exist?

They go to BWE sites because they are interesting and hot. Perhaps they will learn something if they actually read through the posts and comments.

Andrea said...

"Some women are just a disservice to bw as a whole in my opinion."

I could not agree more. What was the point of tattling to a group of BM you had no connection to, other than to draw attention to her stupid self. Men do not like desperate women. They treat such women like crap, regardless of ethnicity (on both sides).

@Patricia Kayden

Madame Noir is one such site. The writer is a nutjob who would throw any BW under a bus to protect a BM.

Awake. Aware. Alive. said...

As much as they annoy me, I kinda feel bad for race women. I feel bad for them because I think I used to be one. I was so desperate for the Great Race Uplift that I actually used to listen to DBR's and all their vitriolic. My mind was so down in the mire, I forgot who I was.

Then I realized something, what I was really after wasn't validation from BM as I am not attracted to them, it was the "Promise of Community". It was what those who plant the idea of sista soldiering in our heads promise us. I wanted the healthy happy black children who would be valued and prioritized, I wanted the protection, the love, the cherishing, I wanted to see the improvement of black people and to see them take their place alongside the great peoples of the world. THAT is what I wanted.I remember always feeling like I had to step-up for black males as I figured it was the least as I could do as I would never marry one. I also allowed some to make me feel guilty about my preferences for non-BM.

Then I learned....it takes two to tango. If your partner doesn't feel that it's they're responsibility to take the lead in the dance by taking responsibility for their own role in it, then you will just stand still while they do as they please.

The dance hall that is the black community is full of many lonely wallflowers. :-(