Friday, November 25, 2011

Memo: BWE-IRR blog sites are NOT your black love hook-up source!

This is actually NOT the second part to the previous post, but it had to be written anyway. There has been an alarming turn of events that has just now come to my attention, and now (4 AM, go figure) is as good a time as any to address the issue.

Velour from over at Interracial Intersection shared the following in the comments section for the previous blog post:

"...I had one black woman attempt to guilt and browbeat me into including "all men" on my YouTube videos, though it is clear that the purpose of my videos are to support and encourage black women who are in or interested in interracial relationships. Today, I had yet another black women hound me interview-style, about why I would consider attraction at all, rather than just date all men regardless of color.
Why are they concerned with whether black men are included in my interracial space and in my dating pool (I'm married, anyway), and how black men feel about it? They could, after all, just make "black love" spaces, rather than request that I change the theme of my site. "

This question was largely what my previous blog was asking. I am lead to believe that these women know that BWE/IRR spaces are more likely to have BM skulking about than anything "black love" related. The average BM is not interested in "black love", at least not specifically and certainly not with the fervor of the average NBAB black woman. But they are more likely to show interest to BW who are figuratively and in some cases literally outside of their grasp. And so there they are, drooling over the BW that are happily married to WM/non-BM or who've made it clear that they're no longer "checking for a brotha".

When these NBAB sisters find that these BL spaces are a dud and that the BM are more likely to be on BW-centric IRR and BWE blogs, they do what any BW desperate to snag a BM would do: Go into those spaces!

Not to hear the BWE-message, and sometimes not even to sister-soldier (though some try for brownie points). They have started reaching out to the BW blog mistresses in a desperate attempt to get the attention of the BM in those spaces:

I run a website specifically for African Americans to use for online
dating called __________. It has become a passion
project of mine within the black community and I’d like to submit my website
for inclusion in the resource section of your site.

So here you have a specific example of a BW asking for help to plug her BL site.

Well, I'd like to do my part to help snap these women back to the reality they continue to run from:

1.) BM in these spaces are not interested in you and your black love agenda. It's a harsh truth, but you ladies desperate to use BW-IRR blogs to meet black men need to face facts. If these men were REMOTELY interested in you and your love, they would not be in BWE/IRR spaces trying to get with/or get the attention of women on those blogs.

2.) BM will never be as interested in or invested in "black love" as black women are. If they were, the BC would simply not be in the sorry shape that it is. And besides, when have black men ever limited their romantic interests to black women? Especially the darker, non-Euro looking plain-jane BW? They aren't about limiting their options, or looking specifically at the NBAB crew. Period. So....why are you ladies so determined to do yourselves a disservice and invest in a movement that is not mutually exclusive? Why not expand your own options?

3.) Logic dictates that the BM who are interested in black women and only black women would not be found on a site geared at BW who are not interested in BM.

And it's the last point I'm going to address in closing.

Ladies, those men who show up in BW-centric IRR spaces are about their E-G-O-S first and foremost. They are not about love, respect, and caring. These creatures are about control, manipulation, and predatory agendas. That is not the man that any sane, self-respecting black woman would want for herself anyway.

It's like trying to cure a cold by getting the chicken pox: It makes no sense.

It's actually sad to me, bordering on embarrassing, that BW would rather beg BWE/IRR centric BW to help them meet BM, especially a class of BM that are not interested in them, than do what they have to do and expand their borders.

No, this does not mean, "Run out and get some white boy!" nor does it mean, "Give up on all black men ever!"

What this means is STOP BEING THE ONE CHASING MEN WHO ARE RUNNING FROM YOU! Think of Julia Robert's character in the movie My Best Friend's Wedding and that chase scene near the end. Who was chasing her? Answer: Nobody. Stop pursuing men and move to a mindset and to a location (physically, digitally, emotionally) where you are being pursued.

I know it's lonely in your "black love" corner, but you don't have to stay there by yourself. And besides, it's not about the "black" anyway. It's about the "love", and giving it to a man who is worthy of it. Stop fixating on persons who do not want your love.

It's like the Bjork song, "All is full of love":

...You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it

Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at

Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love...

The point of these lyrics is that you are surrounded by love and loving sources, and yet you are looking for it in a place and in a direction where it does not exist, not for YOU. But rather than looking to those places (and begging others in those spaces to do the impossible and make these men seek you out. It's not happening...), it's up to you to "twist your head around" in a direction where you can see true love and be happy.

BWE-IRR spaces are simply not the logical solution for you NBAB black women, and it never will be. Only by you electing to do the sensible thing and invest in relationships with men who want to love you and have made their intentions clear will things end remotely well for you.


Christelyn D. Karazin said...

Sound wisdom, my lady.

Lorraine said...

Well said! There is nothing else to add. Again, well said.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the article...I just saw it. The woman I wrote about tried to shame me by creating a video calling me "racist" for telling a black woman who's mostly attracted to white men that it's fine if she only wants to date white men. She thinks I should've badgered and shamed the woman into dating black men, too. She mailed the video to everyone on my friends list and to random people in interracial relationships, telling them to unsubscribe. That didn't happen.

Two more women showed up. One a few days ago, and the other just hours ago. The first tried to tell me how sorry she was for me and those like me for being "self-hating." Before blocking her, I simply wrote that she may want to learn to spell before attempting to psychoanalyze people.

The other, who wrote today, made plenty of references to the Bible and told me that "God doesn't see color," and neither should I. She suggested I remove the words "interracial," "black" and "white," and said that by devoting my site and YouTube channel to supporting black women in interracial relationships, I was "showing partiality," which isn't loving and godly. It may even be the same woman trying various tactics to first blackmail and now guilt me because, though I've always had these requests, it's suddenly become so frequent.

I never see these women complaining about black love blogs and black magazines for black women, which show only black couples and talk about "black love." They just want me to appease black men, and remove the keywords that would allow my target audience to find my site and videos - and that enables the black men they wish were interested in them to obsessively hang around my site and videos.

Velour said...

Oops, that's me right above as Anonymous.

Toni said...

@Velour: that's ridiculous. How does it make you "racist" to tell another black woman to do what makes her happy? Wouldn't it be racist to tell her to stick to black men because of something as flimsy as skin color?

Some people just don't realize how backward their heads are screwed on.

Patricia Kayden said...

This post is so spot on. I always wonder why BW who want to promote BM fixate on BWE blogs. Are there no Black Love blogs that are successful? LOL

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